distantvampire

I've been thinking a lot, mostly at Tim's expense, about relationships and my own issues. I told him I wanted a relationship and someone to love but that I didn't trust anyone. I can't. I don't even like to be touched really and for me to accept any physical contact with anyone is a big deal. I do it for the ones closest to me, but I feel like a monster because there's a server at work and I *constantly* turn him down for silly things like high fives and handshakes. I just...I need a barrier. I need to give myself all the space and protection I can muster up because otherwise I'm going to lose it again. :/

It's disappointing every time that I think I've 'fixed' myself another problem pops up and I start back over. Eventually I'm going to run out of super glue to piece myself back together with. I sort of feel like that right now. After David's assault I made the physical barriers. With Ryan, I can't trust anything I'm told. It's like the world is out to get me when rationally I know that's simply not right. But why oh why can't I actually believe that?? Why do I assume the worst of everyone?

There are some people that I can be open with and that I trust. Tim keeps making me look at things in a different way and I know he's doing it for my own best but I get so frustrated mostly with myself. I keep using the same excuses and reasons for the ways that I think and follow it right with 'I know it's wrong / stupid / bad' if I sit here and recognize the errors in my behavior, why can't I fix them?

I also worry about dating....especially dating here. There's a large amount of potential but I simply refuse to get involved because I have no plans to stay here. I'm moving to the East Coast the moment that it is possible for me and I don't want to hurt someone that way. I lost Gordon to distance and I hate that fact. I still lament him because he was good and pure. He was my first in a lot of aspects, aside from actually giving him my virginity he had everything else that made me up first. I worry that when I leave, it's going to leave behind someone and that's unfair to them.

I consider sometimes trying to find a partner already in that area, but then...that's a long time to longingly stare at a computer screen or text or call and not get to see them and hold them. I've done it before and I could do it again, but do I want to? Not ideally. It's not something I'd ask of anyone either. 'Hey, how 'bout you pack your entire life up and leave your friends and family so I'll be with mine? :D :D :D ' no, that's cruel.

I'm just melancholy. I can't wait till June...but it's so damn far away and that kills me. What I wouldn't give to curl up downstairs with a blanket and some hot chocolate and just chill with a Mimi at my feet and my friends sitting next to me. I realize that the length between these trips makes them all the more meaningful and powerful, but I'm greedy and I want *now*.

It's also nine days from what would have been my wedding day and that also makes me grumbly. I'd like to pretend that this is the reason for my mood but I know the following week I'll be just as contemplative.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/146311.html

I have breathing room again...omg, so nice.

I feel so much better......just...like I FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Lily will be paid of next paycheck, the IRS is off my back, and I can breathe.

Looking for hotels / goodies to prep for AC, and FINALLY getting to see my Jassface! and Koby and Autie!!

I love my friends, I really do, but dammit why do they have to be so far away?????

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/146009.html

So...a lot has happened recently but I started using Twitter and I'm lazy and updating too many places is hard for me because I'm also retarded. it's difficult being me.

Work is going well.

My manager today went AWOL and left me the floor to run. It's Thursday, it's busy as hell, and I kicked ass. I rocked it out. We were smooth, we were good, and it flowed well. The other potential shift lead ran the back and the kitchen got backed up. HAH.

I sat down to eat, Mario came over and said how much I kicked ass. That's exactly how he put it to. 'You kicked ass today, you were on fire!' and I just....it's so amazing to HEAR it.

Our Regional Matt showed up and they sat down for a good hour and then dispersed, I was hanging out to work my schedule out for Shift Lead training and he comes over and tells me that he's hearing great things about my management style and he's impressed with every report he gets of me. He says he's proud of me and that I'm proving him right and as Mario's first shift lead to go through training, I'm doing him good.

Mario and I sit down to work my schedule out, 4 shifts of 10 hours a piece and then fucking FOUR DAYS OFF. WTF?!?! I'm like....say 'whaaaaaaaaaat!?' amazing. Exciting too. 40 hours a week, timez 4 weeks, 160 hours, times 9 an hour (saying I don't get another damn dime and stay at my small pay rate), 1440$ a month. Let's say I keep 80% of that after taxes and all that jazz, 1152$. That's another 350$ a month. I could cry from just...happy and relief.

I feel so good right now, so at peace with the world.

OH, and it gets better!!!

Mario says in 4 weeks I'll be done with this training. It's going to be easy for me he says. He says I'm golden. What he wants after is for me to wait a month or two, get really comfortable, and then start MIT training. He wants me to be his first trained manager. That's how much he feels about me and my career here, he wants to put his name on me and say 'This is MY manager. I trained her, she's mine, and I'm sending her into this company to kick some ass.'

After the way today started, I really needed this. I hope it keeps up!

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/145681.html

I had a 50/50 shot at getting it right when I guessed who was the giant e-bully that would show the WWS the errors of it's ways!!!

I LOL'd.

Well, thats a lie. I fucking tee-heed because it was such a *facepalm* sort of moment.

I'll never understand people. Seriously, I just give up trying to. You're going to be an idiot because that's the image you like to make for yourself and that's fine by me, whatev, no skin of my hide and all.

Also, writing up something within the next few days that I've got a feeling will make some people unhappy.

Uh, I lav yew guys???

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/145388.html

It will never cease to amaze me the way that people are so quick to cut each other / the game down.

"IM GOING TO TOTALLY ROLL AROUND AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS GAME YOU KEEP RUNNING BUT HEY, LET ME TOTALLY RIP YOU TO SHREDS IN THE PROCESS"

I'm not responding to the survey. As one of the few people around who knows just how much goes into running that game and playing it, on both ends separately and simultaneously, people can pretty much be summed up as dicks. If I try to respond to things, I'm going to get up on my bitchy soapbox and choke some bitches Wayne Brady style. It will not be pretty. So I will not participate.

I'm sort of...ignoring it.

I am also totally concerned with how I can manage to evade our thread KJ. Salene and Saeran are pushing dangerously close to a cliff ma'am lol.

Time to start skillfully backpedaling! OR memory repressing?!? dun dun daaaaaaaa!

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/145019.html

Going on a blind date of sorts.

Meeting this guy Jimmy for a dollar movie to see 'How to Train Your Dragon' heard it was pretty cute and all.....pretty excited!

FYI, this is NOT the creeper I've been hiding out from for the past two weeks. So...yeah. Will report in about 3 hours!

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/144460.html

So my Shift Lead Book came in. This is....beyond exciting.

I also had to do my background check today, and they ordered my cool person shirts.

We're sitting down Thursday to discuss Shift Leady things, and I hate to get ahead of my self....but my friend Jen who is a manager there told me that they start out Managers at 42K a year which is what shift lead is the training program for. Management.

When she was promoted into Shift lead she jumped from 8-11$ an hour...I'm already at 9$, and Matt likes me and he's the one who'll approve and set my salary. Gods, this could be amazing.

I like my job

I like what I do

I like who I work for

I like (some!) of the people I work with

and this could provide me significant income. Shift leads get 40 hours a week, and if my pay stayed at 9 I'd bring in roughly 1100$ a month after taxes. That's already 300$ more than what I've been averaging...and I'd cry of happy. I could go see Jassy and Houkie when I want to, plan a trip out to see KJ, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE, and Get my Suit. The Red Panda, the first set of images, is mine!!!!!!!

I'll be paying her off in the next 6 weeks, so yeah...if anyone wants to contribute as a Christmas / Birthday / ILAVYEW gift, let me know lol XD

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/144318.html

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

( Read more... )

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/144114.html

I think I want to bring a Moose in for awhile. A bull moose, because harro! DEM ANTLERS.

I am considering it still, so anyone that wants to think up plots / what nots are more than welcome to :D

Given that bull mooses are easily 800lbs (for the age range I'm shooting for) 'MY SUPAWULF CAN BRING HIM DOWN Y/Y?' will not fly and most likely be promptly ignored, kthnxbye.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/143649.html

I never choose to make someone a priority when they choose to make me an option.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/143280.html

Names withheld to save rep XD

Me: You wanted to see me private in your office about my 'work ethic'?
Them: Yes. I am not convinced that you have the company's best interest at heart.
Me: I'll do anything to prove just how...interested in this company I am!
Them: Anything...?
Me:Of course I would Ma'am!
Them: I think this calls for...'disciplinary action'. I might have to give you a 'reprimand.'
Me: Will I have to do 'performance reviews' regularly? I'll submit to any testing to prove myself!
Them: Yes. I need to be convinced that you can perform to my satisfaction.
Me: I care very much about your satisfaction Ma'am, I'll work direction under you so you can be able to watch me work better and instruct me properly.
Them: If you can perform your duties to my satisfaction I might consider giving you a bonus.
Me: I work best with a very hands on management style.
Them: I want somebody whos not afraid to take risks and try new things.
Me: I'll rise to every challenge you give me!

*snickers*

Ohhhh naughty mid-day text sessions!

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/142831.html

I am so frustrated with everything in my life right now.

Work had a extremely low point, but I am doing my best to turn it around.

My social life, my family life, everything has come to a point where all I honestly want to do is hang my head in defeat. but I won't. I am not that kind of person and I refuse to be.

I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like being awake, I just want to let it all pass.

It's 2008 all over again, and it took so much to get out of that slump. I don't want to give in, but at the same time I really honestly do. I just wish I could smile for something...anything.

I'm so tired of being alone, of being so lonely all the time. I miss having someone in my life that wanted to be with me, to cuddle me and pamper me when I was feeling down.

I'm tired of waiting for things to change, and unfortunately, these aren't things I can just fix myself.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/142430.html

So I get yelled at by my parents on a near daily basis for not cleaning the house.

Yes, I might not work the 8 hours a day that they put it, no I am not going to school right now, but dammit to hell that does not give ANYONE the right to belittle me for not cleaning their house. It's rude. I spend the majority of my time in my room hiding from everyone because I hate being here. I hate being here. I hate my life when I am here. In 2008 I moved out, it was the best move I could have made for myself and I wish so reverently that I was in a position where I could move out again. If I didn't have Couper and Hazel, I'd be driving to the East Coast and someone with a kind and benevolent heart would take me in. (Right???)

I am just so tired of being miserable because someone else makes me that way. My mom wanted to blame me for being tired all the time and say it's because I stay up too late...but it doesn't matter if I lay down or not, I don't sleep that much. 7 hours is what I average, which is great for me, and if I make myself exhausted enough that I can stop thinking and sleep by killing pixels in WoW or writing up a post for a wolf on WWS...well, there you go. It's what I'm going to do. She forgets that I've been clinically depressed for well on three years now and no combination of drugs, activity, or lifestyle changes has affected that. I refuse to take drugs daily just to sleep, so yes I'll stay up until 2 in the morning so I actually want to sleep.

She yells because I should spend that time that I'm up cleaning the house (so keep them awake by cleaning and vacuuming and doing the laundry and all this shit) or that I should get up early to take care of the house. I told her I had no interest in being anyone's slave or maid, and I just don't. Yeah, my parents do a great deal, but it doesn't make it okay for them to belittle me and try and guilt me into cleaning up after them. The messes I make I clean up, I do my own laundry, wash my own dishes...I don't spend time making the messes they do, so why should I clean up after them?

I wish I could leave. If not for the kids, I would. My cars big enough to take the things I need and fuck it to the rest.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/142308.html

So, I'm not alone at least. It'd be nice if I wasn't in this batch of fail, but I am, so yeah :<

Few pages worth of folks with my problem, and for good measure I posted my own thread. I'm so frustrated, I'd finally gotten into the game and then...bam. It kills it. I wish there was a way to play without the latest patch because I was PERFECT before the patch rolled out.

I'm also getting an icon of Isonade done by Hyasinth and I'm really excited :D

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/142023.html

So I've set up cross posting on Livejournal, but I primarily use Dreamwidth now. It's muuuuuch, much cleaner and neater and like Livejournal was waaaay back in the day when I first started on it.

It's weird, of course, getting used to a new system but I wanted to launch my monitor across the room every time it started up that damn ad that blacked the screen out and you had to wait for it. It's just no good.

So, we'll see how this one goes.

My real reason for posting is because Blizzard is about to get my size ten shoe up their ass.

I start up WoW, log in, run ten steps and get disconnected. And when I say disconnected, it's not just from the server, it's my entire computer. I have to restart to find the router again. I've uninstalled and am manually applying every patch but it's killing me and I'm going to eat some faces very soon if They don't email me back or do better control of their phone lines so that I can get ANYTHING done on this game.

Crossposts: http://distantvampire.livejournal.com/141679.html

I didn't know that there was an alternative to Livejournal, but I was beyond tired of it.

This seems much cleaner, much nicer. Hopefully I stay as happy with it!

Well, I think I've come to terms with every part of myself lol.

After getting to meet Jassy, Koby, and Autie, (and Trish, however briefly!) and being able to know that not all furs are the total furfags that the world hates (ala CSI Yiff / Furry episode) I'm pretty comfortable saying that I am a Fur.

It's basically just the same to me as roleplaying, that my characters that I draw / use are pieces of myself...but Samirah (see icon) IS myself in a way that Fatin truly was too. Fatin is hard to roleplay now because of this fact.

I want a suit. Samirah with her hair and her difficult fluff tail would be too hard to translate without looking like trash. There just isnt anyone I've ever seen that could make hair that looked good, wasn't shitty and wig like, and kept some sense of a body to me. Her tail is just the same. How do I get poof and fluff without looking like a stuff turd dragging behind me?

I want a Red Panda suit. I've had a character I draw named Lily, she's super cute...and after seeing Lacy & Nick's Pandas I just fell in love.

Knowing that I've got yet another weird ass quirk to me, do you love me any less?

It seems I just keep adding to my social misfit status lol. I've come to terms with my attraction to other women (and a few of you specifically.), my writing / art fapping, and now this. I'm pretty okay with who I am, all in all.

Yes.

I am a fur.

No, I am not, nor will I ever be a murrypurry furfag. Come at me at AnthroCon and try and grope/molest/pet/hump me and I will pull your reproductive organs out through your eyeballs.

That's the only warning you'll ever, ever get.

Man, I am so...lackluster lately. I just can't get my brain to work right.

I really, really want a few fresh starts on WWS. I love Salene...I mean I love everyone, but I'm just at my end with some folks I think. I don't know.

I'd love a fresh start, that's fo'sho, but at the same time I don't think I'm ready to write off some of my oldies.

Thank you interwebz dramaz for providing my otherwise dull, meaningless life with a true purpose and calling!

Every once in awhile I think about the future and the specific things that I want out of it. I wonder if there is a place for my roleplaying, as much as I ponder about any other hobby - my obsessive reading, my occasional tinkering with artistic abilities I like to pretend I Have, and roleplaying. Creative writing.

And then I get these little barbs from people a good number of years younger than me and I realize...I hate the childish behavior of a good 85% of the people. It's cool to talk shit about one another, snicker and poke fun at someone when their back is turned, but heaven forbid you tell someone you have an issue with them and try and work it out! That's too scary! And yes, it's the interwebz, and I know I've been around enough that I should have a tougher skin than what I do...but I have grown a great deal with Salene, and I think she's a character that has quickly become very important to me. I knew it from the start that she was something different, and I'm glad that she has enough fire in her to not suck up to everyone and doesn't always play nice. She's brutally honest though. She won't play pretend and kiss up to anyone. She will openly look down on someone regardless of rank.

People can't handle that. People have to talk shit about her, or act like it's my thoughts and my desires and forget that there is this magical property that separates me from my characters.

Salene is such a spitfire. She's hard to handle. But she isn't me. I'm soft spoken, usually a mild mannered, very hard to anger sort of girl. I'm a realist, I am a problem solver, and I plan everything out to a ridiculous degree. I'm never brash and usually I am too scared to act on my impulses.

Rhyme is very good at swallowing her emotions. This also makes her seem distant and aloof. She is extremely logical and if she knew a thing of religion she'd be Atheist fo'sho. I am too emotional, I invest myself 100% in everything I do no matter what my involvement is...and I have problems detaching myself.

Juliet is awkward, socially inept, and terrified of the world around her. She's super naive. Nothing scares me anymore. Given the amount that I've lived through of horrific events....I've faced the worst. I've had to. There are no more lows for me to go to emotionally and so I just can't waste my time being scared.

Song is my mothery sweetheart. She'd take anyone in no matter what was going on, no matter what the circumstances were. I can't trust anyone. I have everyone at some length away because if they knew who I was at the core, they would be able to hurt me somehow with it.

My characters all have bits and pieces of the things I'd like to be more like. It's easy for me to use them and pretend for awhile that I know what it's like to have an impulsive life changing relationship. I pretend for a bit that it's possible to forget and forgive the family that have hurt you and fix bonds that are broken. I like to pretend that you don't always break down when someone you love leaves you. I like to think that even a random stranger can turn into your best friend because it's nice and fluffy.

It still hurts every time I see someone talk some shit about them / me, as if they aren't something that comes from the very heart of who I am. I know it won't stop just because I say (for the bajillionth time) that IC =/= OOC it really doesn't matter. It's still too much fun to make a jab at people that you think won't find out...or even more, say something to a person that you know will tell and blab to another because you want that rush of the interwebz fight.

Eventually I'll be ready to let go and move on to more...private writing. It'll be boring as hell, but at least then I won't have to convince anyone that my actual self does not equate to the fictional wolves that I play on the internet.

Thoughts

Breathing room.

:3

haha, lame!

oh WWS

homg.

Work!

Writing style?

hey WWS!

A little thought.

hehehe. 'Disciplinary Action'

give me the strength to keep my head above water

Blah. My life....just never changes.

WoW updates.

:

Okay

Silly furfag.

yikes.

oh my

bleh.

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September 2010

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