Why.....?

Why do I torture myself? Honestly, why in the world do I let myself get so wrapped up in the little things?

I'm so....so lost. I'm caught in this abyss, and I just cant get him off my mind. It's crazy. Usually I can handle just about anything thrown at me, I'm strong enough that I can handle it. Life is good and great usually, and I just roll with the punches. But when the punches are things like rumors and people talking all the time, it's just so much harder.

I think I'm falling.

And for once, I'm not scared. For once I'm not like 'oh, it's too early, it's too soon' for once, I'm just living a fairy tale moment. And I like it. A lot.

Remember way back when, when Colin was all I ever thought of? Well, the way I used to think of him, I think of Ryan. And it's just as bad. The same desires I had for Colin, I have for Ryan. And this time =I= want them to happen. It's not just some sexual frustration that I'm always around such a tease...Ryan's anything but.

He's very nice. And he makes me swoon...that's about the most effective word for it. I simply swoon. And I can easily see him breaking me of whatever is left of that 'good girl' that I used to be. I want to spend every day with him, all day with him...but I'm still so afraid I'm going to make him sick of me. And that's the last thing I want.

Shana and I are apparently making Pookie think very bad things. Pookie was talking about Shana in the car, and I Mentioned how she used me for basically a Sex prop. If I'm sitting down in a chair, she straddles me. If I'm standing there, she wraps her legs around me. I'm not going to be all rawr and say I hate it, but it's not like I'm living out some lesbian fantasy here people. Pookie's a perv. but I still love him xD

Its odd. I got bored, so I started reading random journals in the Xanga blog, right? Some of them metion Ryan. it's interesting. Why do I grin, no matter what it says? Its a type of torture, surely it is, and it brings me exquisite pain. And yet at the same time it's an illusive moment when i go' that's me now!' and I just get smug. I'm so messed up.

So yeah, we lost two hours yesterday, and -i- actually want to make them up *smiles oh so innocently*

and I should just ask Jen when I can skip Robo to make them up....give her lovely visuals xD

I think it unnerves her that I'm dating her ex. But it doesn't bother me at all...should it? I mean, she's my best friend and all...but I just dont get bothered by that...*sighs* Maybe I'm just ain immoral heathen who is going straight to hell. *shrugs* Maybe that's what Im just like.

so I Guess I'll be a heathen who enjoys herself, and when I go to hell, I wont have to ask why. Skipping organizations to shag your boyfriend sensless doesn't get you very far for excuses, does it?

*gasp*. realize what I just mentioned? *points up* last sentance Duckies. Mind you, of course, it'll take a little practice xD but hey, practice makes perfect. Any band / band exile can tell you that much.

heh. life's a peach.