my hero of all time.

Dear jesus. A whole year!

thats a REALLY long time to handle someone like me....and Im so glad that he did. I just....well, I Know that things last year seemed really shakey to me, and a lot of people had the nerve to suggest that he was just some rebound hookup since John did that whole....thing to me.

 

But he really honestly wasnt, and I think this is proof. I cant get over how much I care about him. Yes, I also said this about Gordon. but I think that there is a differnece between saying it, and actually feeling it. I dont mean to suggest that I didn't care about him, but I think I'm was too naive to really understand everything that I was feeling, and it might have gotten mislabeled. Anyone who has ever known me knows that I am without a doubt a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love, and everything that goes with it. I think that I kinda wanted myself to feel those things for Gordon, and so I did.

But this is completely differnet. I started in this relationship feeling almost dirty, that even with Jennifer's blessing, this was somehow wrong that I was dating her former boyfriend. It came as a huge shock when I didn't want to feel anything, in fact, I was almost reluctant to get to close to him. The months went on, and I Just really fell for him. The whole ton of bricks thing.

We got closer and closer still, moments were embedded into my heart and my memory, and I realized that I loved him. And I was too afraid to say it. Any other time I'd ever felt anything, I rushed into sharing the feeling. I was far too reluctant, but I think it made it more meaningful to have him tell me that he loved me first. It made it more real, and I wasn't putting myself outthere on that cliff, waiting to be tossed to the raging sea of emotional let-down lurking just beneath me. Instead a helping hand was offered, and when I fell, I found him catching me.

{and no, darling, that does NOT mean I will accept a leash. public or private. *grins* }

 

So this is my minor tribute to this past year, to every memory I've shared iwth him, and how pure I feel the love that I readily pour out for him. I've never felt so completely wrapped up in this, anything so pure and strong like the love I feel for him.

Thank you for an amazing year Ryan, you really are my hero of all time.

 

[/end sappy entry that made me cry]

365 days later, and I'm still in love with my tuba.