of life and its mysteries.

so life has cooled off some. but in the past couple weeks, I've gotten this huge kick from my past and its just...so strange. not in a bad way or anything, but strange.

firstly) I am now on staff at myth. hurray for ulysses, and im scared to fuck up again lol.

now on to whats really been weighing on my mind:

the more I sit down and think about my future, directly my future where it involves ryan, i cant help but recount everything that happened in my past.

I have loved three people in my life, and I never had the courage to tell my first love just what I felt. from the time I started fifth grade to the time I moved in eighth grade, I did not date. I had 'crushes' and I had moments where I really honestly thought I was willing to try, but I never did. I had a boy who was so in love with me, and it crushed my soul because I didnt care about him at all....I really couldn't stand him to be totally honest. oh well. chris eventually got over it, im sure.

was it bad that i was pretty much as head over heels for my best friend as any 5-8th grader can be? it was kinda....well. bad to say the least, because she was a hardcore christian who convinced another girl who was wiccan to burn her Book of Shadows so she wouldn't go to hell. haha, i remember never saying anything until after I moved, took another two years to date anyone, and then saw her over the summer and she told me she was at the very least bi.

As far as dating after I moved went, it was a simple rundown:

David Middlebrooks was my first boyfriend really, and he told me he knew how to hack into porn sites and he only did it when he 'really needed to' and stuff. creeped me out. and then i woke up on the overnight band trip with his hand up my shirt. I freaked out and went and sat with Jennifer for hte rest of the night. He continued to say 'I love you' to me until April, when I started to date Allan. I did not ever love him, nor did I ever say I did.

Allan Via was one of my best friends, and we dated over summer until I just didnt feel as close to him anymore. I went from David, who felt me up when I certainly didnt want him to, to Allan who was scared to hold my hand. Allan is still one of my dearest friends, and Im still touchy feely with him. I call him Honey because I can.

Patrick Brown and I dated for only two weeks....and after three days, he told me he loved me. I felt weird, and kinda scared, because it was unexpected. The next girl he dated he was with forever, and they got engaged. I dont know if they're still together. It's never been weird between us, and I miss talking to him. He went into the Army I believe, and I worry about him because I dont really know.

After that, came my great love.....I dated Gordon for a good seven months....and our relationship was anything but orthodox, and now that we've reconnected I sit back and wonder just what went wrong and what happened. Its hard, being so far apart, and wanting to hold him and kiss him and tell him I love you....well, I did tell him I loved him. Frequently. But I wanted to be able to wrap my arms around him and just hold him....He and I are still close, I call him love, honey, sweetheart, any manner of pet names really. And when I go to Ohio, he damned better be waiting there at the airport to take me to Shannon. and he'd better call me soon too. I haven't heard his voice in ages.

I dated David......Hammond? for a month or so, and he was creepy clingy and crap and I couldn't take it. That, and the fact I wasn't really over Gordon, and I kinda liked John, and I was just torn in general. hell, I even liked Shana at that point and I was just too confused to devote myself into a relationship. So that ended poorly, but I still talk to him when I see him.

next, John and I had that sort of almost relationship yet not really deals going on across the last half of summer. And the only date we ever went on was when I met Ryan....and as shameful as I am to admit it, I was flirting with Ryan with John standing right there. But he never held it against me, and when he chose Christine over me, I really was crushed. I cared about him a lot, I still do. He's as close to me as a brother and I miss him horribly. I call him love, dear, honey, sweetheart, and I hug him and rub his shoulders when I see him. Im touchy feely, I cant help it.

When John chose Christine, I started to talk to Ryan a whole lot more. Between the month since I had met him and the time we started dating, I went from running into him between classes, to the cutest awkward hug that left a mad crazy blush on my face for the rest of the day, to texting him between classes and finally when he tried to kidnap me at Sonic when I was working for Robo. I couldnt leave...so he stayed with me. That night, I asked him for a ride home...even though I could see my house from Sonic, and it was easy. I ended up asking him out.

Here I am, over two years later, so very much in love with him that I've picked out a wedding dress, the song I want to hear when we dance as husband and wife, the song I'll dance with my father to....its just so strange looking back and thinking if any of them had worked out, what would I do? where would I be? life would be different. good or bad? There is no way to know, and I dont worry much about it. just wonder.

I think about things that he's done in the past, people he's been with and the girls that I know would want to be with him...he's going home this weekend to see one of them, they're going out friday night....and for the first time, Im not worried. Im jealous because thats my nature, but Im not worried anymore. The voice that always told me he would wake up and realize Im a fool and not good enough....I killed it. Its quiet in my head finally....


I love him so much...

and I feel so very, very free.