....

im so depressed.

seriously. in this past week I've felt like everything I've ever known and felt and thought was just....just a joke. like it was about to fall apart on me. especially ryan. i got upset on tuesday because he over slept again and didnt seem to care. ever since may he's been habitually just oversleeping when he'd tell me he'd come see me or spend time with me or help me with something. and every time he'd say 'i feel like such and ass i'm sorry' and stuff, and i'd just fucking brush it off and tell him it didnt matter.

ugh. i felt so unimportant. sleep takes precedence over me and i let him think it was ok. so it just got to me. i finally told him how i felt and since then i just dont feel close to him. i feel like we've drifted apart or something.

i know he's why i'm depressed, because hes been down and so have i but i didnt want to say anything about how i felt because i whine too much and i complain so much to him about things like my back and i just hate it. and he needs me to be strong for him, but i want someone to fall apart to. i just hate it. i hate myself, i hate how i dont feel attractive anymore at all, i hate how i feel so sick to my stomach because i feel like im losing him and ugh.

i broke down the other night and almost started crying in his room. because i dont know if i want to do criminology anymore. i want to be an fbi profiler....beucase i love psychology. i am so enchanted by the brain and why people think the way that they do, and i dont know. i dont know what i want out of life anymore.

i just feel so lonely and so down and im sick of myself. i really am.

but i think most of all, i just miss feeling close to my boyfriend. i miss ryan.