![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Alright guys.
I haven't talked to anyone about this....I've brought it up *slightly* before...I just need a simple answer to a not so simple question.
All my life I've watched the shows where the wife is cheated on, she sticks by her man and I think 'Wow. that dumb bitch. He'll just do it again.'
I've lied to myself for years now (almost two) about something Ryan did that really, really fucked me up.
Right after I graduated, he cheated on me. Slept with another woman. I never told him until very recently that I knew, and since then, I've felt a level of understanding in our relationship that had before been lacking. He was hiding it from me, I was hiding knowing from him.
I summed it up nicely in an email I sent him regarding his...choice.
' In my heart, I've hoped and prayed that there wouldn't be any more demons lurking around, because I can't bare to ask you outright, and you would never just voluntarily tell me something that would break my heart. I've always believed, and I still do, that you do your best to protect me and my feelings, even if it's you that I'm being protected from.'
Since I outright confronted him with the knowledge, we've been a lot more understanding with one another. A great sense of relief has flooded me, because I'm not avoiding saying something that might elude to it, or just outright doing something I would regret. He's not holding anything back either, and I think it's been an overall good thing for us.
I don't think, at a fresh and young 18 that I could have handled it head on in this fashion and not destroyed myself. Waiting to do so might be bad, it sure was hard and I hurt like hell for a long, long time - hurt alone hiding it not only from myself, but from our friends and family. I wanted us to be perfect because everyone said that we were. We don't fight, we don't have issues....they only thing that has ever, ever brought harm to our relationship was Ryan and his relationship with other women, and the lack of dependability he has. You can't trust that he'll be there when he says a time because he rarely pays attention to time. He's like that with everyone everywhere. Usually he's good when it's for a job but other than that, he doesn't pay any attention.
I'm just scared that me not kicking him to the curb (aside from me waiting so long to deal with our demons) makes me weak. Honestly, up until this point where I decided it was detrimental to our relationship and future as a couple, as anything, I don't think I had the strength to deal with it.
I don't know if that makes me the dumb bitch. I guess....just looking at it from this angle, I can understand those women now.
Now, because I do trust you guys, I was wondering what YOU thought. I understand that your perception wont be 100% perfect, because you don't know all the details and you don't know how Ryan and I function on a day to day basis. In his own words 'I never wanted to tell you because I was ashamed. Ashamed because im weak and at times don't think with my head.' I'm not going to pretend it never happened, or live in some fantasy world where it could never, ever happen again.
I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to, because this + tired from work + Aevum closing without me having any input at all is just leaving me feeling pretty damn alone in the world right now...and just shitty in general.
I haven't talked to anyone about this....I've brought it up *slightly* before...I just need a simple answer to a not so simple question.
All my life I've watched the shows where the wife is cheated on, she sticks by her man and I think 'Wow. that dumb bitch. He'll just do it again.'
I've lied to myself for years now (almost two) about something Ryan did that really, really fucked me up.
Right after I graduated, he cheated on me. Slept with another woman. I never told him until very recently that I knew, and since then, I've felt a level of understanding in our relationship that had before been lacking. He was hiding it from me, I was hiding knowing from him.
I summed it up nicely in an email I sent him regarding his...choice.
' In my heart, I've hoped and prayed that there wouldn't be any more demons lurking around, because I can't bare to ask you outright, and you would never just voluntarily tell me something that would break my heart. I've always believed, and I still do, that you do your best to protect me and my feelings, even if it's you that I'm being protected from.'
Since I outright confronted him with the knowledge, we've been a lot more understanding with one another. A great sense of relief has flooded me, because I'm not avoiding saying something that might elude to it, or just outright doing something I would regret. He's not holding anything back either, and I think it's been an overall good thing for us.
I don't think, at a fresh and young 18 that I could have handled it head on in this fashion and not destroyed myself. Waiting to do so might be bad, it sure was hard and I hurt like hell for a long, long time - hurt alone hiding it not only from myself, but from our friends and family. I wanted us to be perfect because everyone said that we were. We don't fight, we don't have issues....they only thing that has ever, ever brought harm to our relationship was Ryan and his relationship with other women, and the lack of dependability he has. You can't trust that he'll be there when he says a time because he rarely pays attention to time. He's like that with everyone everywhere. Usually he's good when it's for a job but other than that, he doesn't pay any attention.
I'm just scared that me not kicking him to the curb (aside from me waiting so long to deal with our demons) makes me weak. Honestly, up until this point where I decided it was detrimental to our relationship and future as a couple, as anything, I don't think I had the strength to deal with it.
I don't know if that makes me the dumb bitch. I guess....just looking at it from this angle, I can understand those women now.
Now, because I do trust you guys, I was wondering what YOU thought. I understand that your perception wont be 100% perfect, because you don't know all the details and you don't know how Ryan and I function on a day to day basis. In his own words 'I never wanted to tell you because I was ashamed. Ashamed because im weak and at times don't think with my head.' I'm not going to pretend it never happened, or live in some fantasy world where it could never, ever happen again.
I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to, because this + tired from work + Aevum closing without me having any input at all is just leaving me feeling pretty damn alone in the world right now...and just shitty in general.