Oh life.

Everything in me hurts. Every piece of my body, mind, heart, and soul is aching.

Dad and I had a huge heart to heart about the things that I want out of my life and what it would take to get them. I want a white picket fence, I want a life with a husband and some dogs running around, a cat to curl up in my lap, a kid or two....a good life. A piece of paper will not change anything about our day to day lives,

I have strong doubts that this is something Ryan will ever be involved with. Until his mother is out of his life and he has to think on his own, he's never going to commit to anything and he'll always rely on someone else to direct his life for him. I can't do that. I've always been more self sufficient I guess. Maybe I'm just a stronger person, stronger willed...or perhaps just louder will than his.

I'm afraid that if I sit down and talk to him, he'll balk and take things the wrong way. He'll take it as an insult personally, rather than me just trying to find a path for my life. If my path and his path are not made the same way, I have to find something else. And it hurts. It hurts to think about. It hurts to even consider what I might have to do.

It hurts just typing this. And I'm scared. I'm terrified. How in the world could I leave him just because we don't want the same things when I still love him with all I have? When I love him stupidly, without a reason. I wish in some ways I'd been strong enough to kick him to the curb when he hurt me the first time. I wish I'd been able to. But then I'd miss him. I'd miss our memories. I'd miss the life that I made with him, even if it's something that wont be with me forever.

Oh fuck my fucking life, I wish he'd just do something and make it damn easy on me.