woo.

Cleared out the journal of folks I couldn't put a name to the account, hadn't talked to in over a week, and just...didn't remember who the hell they were / why we were friend lol.

It feels in large numbers like for every good thing I have happen (yesterday!) I just just...fucking RAINED on the next. I am trying so fucking hard to just LIKE MY LIFE, not even LOVE it, but LIKE it, and not feel like it's not worth it....but I don't know.


I can't go back to medicine because I'm out of insurance and I can't expect a magic pill to change my life all the time...I guess I just need to be a big girl and learn to let the shit just roll. But it's so hard when I feel like it affects me so much. As much as I wish I could be a fortress all my own, I'm needy and I let people too far in. I create filters in my real life and only let certain people inside to know who I am at the core.

Surprisingly (or not) most of the folks that are the closest to me are miles and miles and miles away...which makes these sorts of days so hard. I just need a hug and some hot chocolate. Maybe I'd feel better then.

I realized

that it's probably not worth my time to try so hard when it's not the same on the other side. What I want, and what I'm getting just aren't the same things. I should give up. I should stop. But there is that stupid side of me that no matter how much I get hurt I just keep pushing - when my logical head says NO, and my heart says KEEP TRYING.


Give me the strength to move on.

Give me the strength to stop.

Give me the strength to know that it hurts me more than it should, and that I should just let go.

recent changes / public post # 2

Cleared out the journal of folks I couldn't put a name to the account, hadn't talked to in over a week, and just...didn't remember who the hell they were / why we were friended.