so very bitter.

I am still bitter and I cannot let go. Maybe if I could just understand what happened, even after these months, I might feel better. Or I might have moved on. But it just keeps coming back to the central concept that I do not know what I did and I cannot know what to feel when I don't get it. I just...I just don't.

I want to assume that I can move on and be a better person for all that I learned and benefited from but in truth, without some sense of closure I haven't been able to. I like to think I'm reasonable, and while I am not always level headed I try to maintain a degree of cordiality. I like people. In fact, I love people, and I hate to be alone. genuinely hate it. I hate when people dislike me no matter how much I pretend it doesn't matter to me. I try and act like it's something beneath me to have such trivial emotions but that's because if I don't, I'll hurt more than I already am.

Every time that I lose someone that I care about it hurts me. It changes me in subtle ways. I want to be stronger, I want to be different. I want to not break down every time, and I wish that I could at least understand things.

I swore I wouldn't care anymore, I promised myself that I wouldn't give two shits but at the end of the day I still do. I always have. I like to talk a big game and pretend that I'm stronger than this but at the end of the day I'm just not. And I know people talk. And I know that every time something happens people whisper and gossip and then I continue to walk around holding my breath like I'm two steps from crossing some line.

I hate this. I really really hate this.