Sorry, sorry sorry.
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
distantvampireI can't apologize to people enough.
I will probably never be able to get over all of my personal issues. I get that. I know that. I accept that. I am a flawed creature.
I have had nothing but heartache the past few days, this week has been so hard for me.
It's come down to Ryan and I are desperately trying to remember how we fell in love. We love each other, yeah, but living together has been hard on us. He's used to running off and my ambitions when we moved in was to start our life together. That means I'd like to make dinner for him and when I get off work have him here, wanting to spend time with me too.
Our best conversations about our feelings and expectations have been under the influence of alcohol because we have nothing to hold us back...we cant stop what we have to say when we're under the influence.
Basically sex with me is boring.
I am limited in my knowledge of sex because he's all I've had. I was also molested by my step father from the age of about 7-10, so I'm not comfortable with my body and it's hard for me to let go and let my guard down. I explained this to him....and Kelsey and uhh. Kelsey's girlfriend were also sitting near us while we spilled out guts out. They are great therapists. I sent him a long email yesterday of things I'm willing....er, WANT to try because it's hard for me to voice that. Sex for the longest time to me was bad because my step father made it that way. And my mother only promoted his behavior. So for me, sex is hard because it scares me. I remember the feeling of NOT wanting what was happening, NOT be comfortable with it, and HATING what was going on.
So yeah, I have issues breaking down and letting go with sex. I'm working on it, I'm taking steps to fix it. It's just...it's hard.
And this past month I've been grumpy. My birth control got off schedule during the holidays and so my hormones were going crazy, I was getting way too little sleep, and I'm ready to stab my boss. I am not happy with work in any way, other than a few people I adore there. Juan is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of working with, and he is a brilliant man and a fantastic mentor. Ryan would go out with our friends, and I'd get home, be lonely, and just...hate it. The apartment became my prison. And to me, the constant gone factor was building up resentment because he was gone and it made me think he didn't want to be around me.
So we worked out a lot of our misunderstandings and personal issues, but it's just going to take time. And this has put a huge huge drain on me emotionally, and my creative flow is drained.
I do apologize to everyone I'm plotting with or who is relying on me to do things WWS-wise...and I think for the next while it's best not to expect a good / normal mood from me because I've been lashing out without realizing it.
ugh.
I'm sorry.
I will probably never be able to get over all of my personal issues. I get that. I know that. I accept that. I am a flawed creature.
I have had nothing but heartache the past few days, this week has been so hard for me.
It's come down to Ryan and I are desperately trying to remember how we fell in love. We love each other, yeah, but living together has been hard on us. He's used to running off and my ambitions when we moved in was to start our life together. That means I'd like to make dinner for him and when I get off work have him here, wanting to spend time with me too.
Our best conversations about our feelings and expectations have been under the influence of alcohol because we have nothing to hold us back...we cant stop what we have to say when we're under the influence.
Basically sex with me is boring.
I am limited in my knowledge of sex because he's all I've had. I was also molested by my step father from the age of about 7-10, so I'm not comfortable with my body and it's hard for me to let go and let my guard down. I explained this to him....and Kelsey and uhh. Kelsey's girlfriend were also sitting near us while we spilled out guts out. They are great therapists. I sent him a long email yesterday of things I'm willing....er, WANT to try because it's hard for me to voice that. Sex for the longest time to me was bad because my step father made it that way. And my mother only promoted his behavior. So for me, sex is hard because it scares me. I remember the feeling of NOT wanting what was happening, NOT be comfortable with it, and HATING what was going on.
So yeah, I have issues breaking down and letting go with sex. I'm working on it, I'm taking steps to fix it. It's just...it's hard.
And this past month I've been grumpy. My birth control got off schedule during the holidays and so my hormones were going crazy, I was getting way too little sleep, and I'm ready to stab my boss. I am not happy with work in any way, other than a few people I adore there. Juan is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of working with, and he is a brilliant man and a fantastic mentor. Ryan would go out with our friends, and I'd get home, be lonely, and just...hate it. The apartment became my prison. And to me, the constant gone factor was building up resentment because he was gone and it made me think he didn't want to be around me.
So we worked out a lot of our misunderstandings and personal issues, but it's just going to take time. And this has put a huge huge drain on me emotionally, and my creative flow is drained.
I do apologize to everyone I'm plotting with or who is relying on me to do things WWS-wise...and I think for the next while it's best not to expect a good / normal mood from me because I've been lashing out without realizing it.
ugh.
I'm sorry.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-03 04:22 am (UTC)The best thing I can recommend, really, is to communicate with each other. I can totally understand that it's difficult for you to open up, especially about some things, so maybe try taking it one step at a time. Maybe take a little time at the end of the day to talk to each other about what you two are feeling and what you would like to accomplish the next day. Just a bit at a time until you're more and more comfortable with some of the more awkward subjects. It also might help if you keep a private journal/journal entries where you can at least open up to yourself about the things you're worried about opening up about with him. I've found that once I've gotten something written down and figured out on paper, it's a lot easier to talk about it in person. :)
Either way, whatever you decide, I wish you the very best. You're a really sweet person and you deserve to be happy! I wish you the best of luck in getting through this! I know you can make it. :) *hugs again*
hey
Date: 2009-01-03 05:15 am (UTC)Re: hey
Date: 2009-01-03 06:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 04:35 am (UTC)I've had lots of problems with guys in the past. In fact, I had to destroy a 5 year relationship over things that just weren't getting communicated out right . . . and that sucked. Trust me, I know how it feels when things just don't seem exciting anymore and you're like "wtf did we do wrong?" O.o
My advice is what you're already doing I think: Communication. Even little things like just making sure he understands your past. Write it down if you have to; I know I've had to in the past. Writing for me is much easier than speaking. I get flustered talking. Writing I can edit myself. Try to see what his feelings are, and understand them before you try to get him to understand you as well. As a fellow female I *know* that it's hard for us sometimes to understand that guys . . . just don't think the ways we do. Things for them aren't always as important. (I *am* generalizing of course) However, if you make it clear that you understand/are trying to understand them, and then let them know how things affect you as well . . . it helps.
Anything like that is super emotionally draining. Make sure, though, that you take time for YOU. Even if it's just sitting down for a little bit and reading a book, watching a show or playing with your pets or whatever. You have to be important to yourself as well, yes? :)
Hang in there, anyone can conquer anything if they work at it. ^.^
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 01:53 pm (UTC)I am sure Ryan loves you and is not trying to hurt you. I hope that you find that spark again, you two have something magical, and I am glad that you know that.
Hit me up any time, hell hit me on my cell 740-777-3019, I have unlimited text and talk. Though text is always better. I love you Sonia, like a sister always have and always will.