d'uh.

I take things way too hard. take them to heart, lock them up. I realized that through this whole matter, I dont really matter at all. None of my melodrama does. but now, John hates me, and I've lost someone I really care about. And I'm scared I'm driving Ryan away too. He's confused about the future, I'm fucking afraid of it. I dont want change, I dont like it...I was too scared to kiss him friday night. What's wrong with me!?!?

I love him, and yet because I know he doens't expect it to last (he says he doesnt do well with distance) I'm starting to distance myself from him, to try and make it hurt less when I Loose him. I know what I'm doing. I do it every time. I might not be aware of it while it's happening, but I Know when I look back on it, 'hey wait idioit! this is the guy you LOVE! pucker up and prove it!' is going to be running through my head.

so I've come to a hard choice. let's jump that hurdle when we get there. I'm not having another Gordon in my life. This is something that I'll have to deal with later, but who knows? This might end up being completely different! So I'll be my usual, optimistic self, and enjoy my baby while I've still got him!

screw you future! I'll live only with my eyes on the PRESENT.

hmm. I feel so much better from the start of this post. *snuggles Panda*

now, for what I really wanted this to be about.

I wandered through John's LJ today. And it eventually spread over to Kelly's. And I see myself in her, and I see Gordon in John. And I know that in matters of being sweet and stuff, they're a lot alike, I've dealt with them both, with having emotional attachment to the both, and for a time, for both of htem at the same time. And I realized that she's going through the same thing I am, her parents are upset and scared, and they dont know what to make of an online relationship, but considering what's happened with him offline lately, I dont know how this will effect her. ANd I feel so bad for her, because I know what she might be going through (I say might because I hate when people say they know what I'm feeling / going through, because they have no idea most of the time!) and I just wish I could give her a hug and tell her to keep her chin up...and I'd prolly ship Kyan out her way, because he helped me through some pretty rough times indeed!

so kelly, dear, even though you have no idea who I am or anything, if you happen to see this, this one's to you! *massive hugs*

I dunno what else to do....or say.
Got some dark desires?
Love to play with fire?
Why not let it rip?
Live a little bit!