<3

so yaeh, I was talking to my dorkboyfriend tonight, who just got a webcam and was all showing off and stuff..

he did some weird thing to his hair, and the cam froze. I took the opportunity to do screen-cap, which resulted in my proud display of his sexy hair.

( Sexy hair! )

and then I started to play with the picture.

( liiiiines. )

first, mezzotinting it. I kinda liked the dark / light on this one...and I smudged out most of the weird dot things from his camera.

( weird. )

and then suddenly it went crazy xD that one scared me.

( My favorite )

I think that one was my favorite of them all...

after that, he started stripping. But since all I had was a dollar, I only got his shirt off ; . ; *wasn't giving up my 100$ that easily!* xD

ugh.

It always amazes me how quickly I can go between emotions. How seeing one person, or hearing their name affects everything. I hear Ryan's name and I either smile, or cry. Depending on who says it, and what's going on at the time.

My parents are going to Vegas this weekend. They leave thursday, and get home Sunday. Now, where does that leave me? Stuck watching my sister, whom if you haven't figured out yet, I cant stand. Now, it's not a sibling rivalry thing. I dont give a fuck if they ignore me, and pay her all the attention. I cant stand her. She is the epitome of the things I hate in people. She cries all the time, she whines and pouts when she does get her way, She is childish (yeah, she's only 8, but still.) immature, she screams and yells, and she and I just completely clash.

I firstly, am not amused by this fact.

Now, Saturday, Ryan wants me to go with him to my friend Rita's party. I adore Rita. She's like a sister to me, and I really, really want to go. But if I am stuck watching Kelly, well, that's damned near impossible. My parents leaving her here with me, dictates that I cant go anywhere. Because of the fucking kid whom I cant stand.

Normally, I'd suck it up and go on. But all this summer, if I've wanted to do things, half the time I cant because of Kelly. In Pennsylvania, I was stuck with her 24/7 for two weeks. When we got home, my parents made me take her everywhere with me. I HATE HER. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF WHEN LEFT IN HER COMPANY. And now, this weekend is rolling in, and I am once more stuck watching Kelly. She is my plight.

The fact that I have 8 days now until school starts makes it much worse too. I dont have much longer with Ryan, and yeah. I cant do it. I cant handle it. I've got tears in my eyes now thinking about it, but then again I'm really upset, so who knows what that's all about.

My parents say I cant have anyone over this weekend. The only ones that would be over would be Jennifer and Ryan. Jennifer, love of my life, offered to take kelly sometime to get icecream or something, to give me a break. And Gods, I love her so much for that...

so back to Saturday. I was thinking about asking Jennifer to babysit kelly then. I'm going to pay her and everything, because I'd feel horrible if I didn't. And now I'm wondering, 'what happens if she has plans?' once more, I'm stuck with the enevitable Kelly. I cant shake her. I cant get rid of her. I dont fucking know what to do anymore about it!!

I'm willing to pay for a sitter. I have a ton of friends who babysit frequently, and I have no problem paying them for watching Kelly. It's no big deal. My mother, however, is not willing to have that. Which if fucking bullshit. it's my money, and my solution to the problem that YOU created. You, person who birthed me, didn't stay with my father (I dont belive the fucking lie that 'oh, I was raped' the rest of my family knows his name, and they have told me that she was in love iwth him, and was basically one of those pathetic groupies for the band he was in), and then turned around and married a real BASTARD five years later, and then after another four years, had the DEVIL that is now my ball and chain.

I dont like my family at all. I dont give a fuck if I'm stuck paying for it for the rest of my life, I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to break all the ties I have with them. I am changing my name when I graduate, before I get into college, and I am getting a fresh start on everything. I dont want to have any ties to them, and my sister, I dont want to see her again. I could care less if I saw them again really. I'll keep in touch with the rest of my family, my uncle and grandfather basically, but I dont care after that point.

Now, when I told my mother this idea about me paying one of my friends to babysit (and I apologize if there is anyone actually reading this, I'm upset, thus I'm jumping around a lot) she told me that I couldn't do that. And then she said 'this isn't a time when you can fall asleep in his arms'. She cuts me whenever she possibly can. Why should this hurt me so much?

I want, just once at least, to fall asleep in Ryan's arms. I always feel so safe whenever he holds me, all I want is once to be able to just fall asleep in his arms. It's my fondest wish. And she knows that. So what does she do? She turns around and uses it agaisnt me. I hate her too.

If I could, I'd have him over all weekend. Any place that they value at all, I'd have sex on. Just to piss them off. I just want to retaliate against them. I dont give a fuck now. My parents suck ass, and there is no way around it. Curfews at 10, or maybe even 11 if they're feeling nice. During summer. Fucking SUMMER.

There is so much pent up anger I have regarding them, if you haven't noticed. I feel better, but I have a massive headache, so I'm going to go lay down now..