happy fucking anniversary.

I've been so bitchy lately it seems. ANd it's me who notices it. I found out that Zain's grandparents (who I've come to love in an odd way) are both going to die soon probably. Well, the grandfather should be good with his dementia, but his grandmother has liver cancer. And she probably doesn't have two months. And I'm sad because of it. Tomorrow I dye my hair again. Yay. same color, so no one freak. I have to start writing letters to people. Nigel and Gordon most importantly. Speaking of, happy anniversary.

It's been almost three weeks since I spoke to him last. Last night I caught him online, asked if we'd get to talk, got a probably and hten soon after he had to go for dinner. This was like 9 something his time. And then I didn't get my call, and he wasn't back online. I'm being bitchy and sounding all accusing and shit, but I dont fucking care. I really hate not talking to him! And it's been 6 fucking months today and I haven't spoken to him in like...3 weeks! *sighs*

Jen's back from Sea Camp. And i'm attempting to go with Colin to see Catwoman. Halle Berry, in black tight leather, with a whip. Every guy's dream right? Well. I must say. DAMN she looks HAWT! in leather. I know I'm asking for trouble. Colin, and Catwoman. Need I remind you of my birthday?

*sighs* I dont feel complete anymore. I just dont fucking feel complete. I feel like a shattered mirror, something that you cans till use, but it'll never ever have it's full effect again.

I'm being over dramatic, yes. But I've been pissed on, pooped on, held a screaming baby for 3 hours straight with no end in sight to the crying. I dont want anything other than a voice on the end of that telephone telling me it'll be OK. And now I'm dealing with two people who might keel over any day, and I just can't handle it.

I've got too much that I want to do, too much I want to have done. I want to leave, to start my life already. I'm not wanting to quit school...just do school up there. Like run off, jump on a bus and get up there to him. But that'd be stupid. and then he's talking about quitting school and just getting a GED. That in a way I think is very stupid...but at least he's not completely giving up...right?

I cant really make that sound nice at all.

oh well.

I just hate this. I asked about talking on the phone....before last week end, last weekend, yesterday. I'm just tired of it! No. I dont want to break up with him, far from it. I mean, I'm considering moving up there, if it was possible, just to be with him! I haven't kissed him yet, I haven't even gotten to hold his hand. Whereas I've kissed David, held his hand....and not enjoyed those moments. I enjoyed Colin's kiss, but for anotehr reason. He's forbidden to me though...which makes me seeing this movie with him just asking for trouble.

Kinda like a cry for attention, no?

I'm so pathetic. I get so jealous every time I see anything from any of his friends. I feel like they hate me, and without reason. I've never talked to them, I dont know anything other than some of their names. And yet I'm so....so cold towards the very idea of them. I dont know why. Well. Hell I know why...but I dont know why I let myself be like that. But I can't help it. I just cant.

I think if I dont hear his voice soon I'm going to die. Seriously. Or else some I know will. Dammit. I hate how clingy I am...but I can't help it. I just can't help it. Maybe in a way it's good that we're so far apart. because I know what my present for him would have been this month.

Night loves. if you see him online, pester him into calling me. Even if I'm at work. GordoJ17. and tell him Sonia sent you because she's pathetic. He'll understand.