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last nights little rant got me thinking majorly about life in general, about who I am and who I've aimed to be, and who I became along the way and why. Its strange to think that some of the people who know me best have never seen me face to face, that beyond ryan, i have a scarce handful of friends who I dont talk to through the internet. I feel closer to some people online than I do to the people I see daily, and that scares me.
Especially since for the entire time I've ever been online, I've never gone by my real name.
Its almost like having two languages, and knowing both so comfortablly that a response is automated and needs no thought whatsoever. You call me Sonia, I will answer you as quickly as I can blink my bright blue eyes. You call me Katy, I will answer you just as fast. Amanda, the name I was given at birth, takes much longer for the realization to hit me that: oh. they mean me..
I was born Amanda, christened Katy when my personality struck as a 'Katy' and not an 'Amanda', and I chose to be Sonia.
Sonia was the first character I ever created for myself. What I wanted in my life, I gave to her.....she was elegant, graceful, had a quick wit and wonderful features. She was, in essence, what I believed to be the perfect woman. Sonia became an indepth personality with so many different ways she handled herself...I was in the 5th grade when she was 'born.' I was roughly 10-11 at the time I created her.
When I hit the online roleplaying scene, I felt it best to take her from the paper and pen style my friend used and bring her online...in essence, I strived even harder to be just Sonia, the great and wonderful. In my starcrossed vision, taht was exactly what she happened to be. Wonderful, and great.
Over the years, when I grew into myself, and grew into her, I adopted her qualities and I could see it. I am artistic, I have a flair for writing and a great passion for literature. I am diplomatic, I'll be the first to get into a heated discussion, but never in a disrespectful manner. I calm people down, and I know how to manipulate them into understanding each other when they dont want to. I have a certain sophistication that I've pushed on myself, I pretend I know what to do in a situation, and fake an air of indifference towards conflict. I have no grace or natural poise, my ability to be strong and stand up for myself is just dead in the water, and well, I never did discover those super powers she seemed to have. Flying and telepathy just never seemed to materialize themselves in me, sadly.
I say I am tired of my life. I lied. I love my life. I love being in college, I love living here, I love this place and this experience and my professors are amazing.
What I hate is the things that I cant control. I hate how there is, and always will be, the cynical spark in me that screams of losing the one thing that really truely would be my death: I just passed my second anniversary with Ryan. To lose him would be to sentance me to death. That voice has shut up since Ive trusted him more. We're fine. I wish he'd propose to me. I really do. I love him with such a strong feeling, I wish I could just scream from the top of the world that I am his, and he is mine. I will marry him someday, I dont doubt....I just wish I could take the next step.
I saw V for Vendetta tonight. It made me think a lot. I loved it. But Im tired, and sick, and I just feel like curling up and sleeping. and so, after a much more pleasant little dip into who I am, Im going to sleep now.
I love you guys. <3
- Sonia.
Especially since for the entire time I've ever been online, I've never gone by my real name.
Its almost like having two languages, and knowing both so comfortablly that a response is automated and needs no thought whatsoever. You call me Sonia, I will answer you as quickly as I can blink my bright blue eyes. You call me Katy, I will answer you just as fast. Amanda, the name I was given at birth, takes much longer for the realization to hit me that: oh. they mean me..
I was born Amanda, christened Katy when my personality struck as a 'Katy' and not an 'Amanda', and I chose to be Sonia.
Sonia was the first character I ever created for myself. What I wanted in my life, I gave to her.....she was elegant, graceful, had a quick wit and wonderful features. She was, in essence, what I believed to be the perfect woman. Sonia became an indepth personality with so many different ways she handled herself...I was in the 5th grade when she was 'born.' I was roughly 10-11 at the time I created her.
When I hit the online roleplaying scene, I felt it best to take her from the paper and pen style my friend used and bring her online...in essence, I strived even harder to be just Sonia, the great and wonderful. In my starcrossed vision, taht was exactly what she happened to be. Wonderful, and great.
Over the years, when I grew into myself, and grew into her, I adopted her qualities and I could see it. I am artistic, I have a flair for writing and a great passion for literature. I am diplomatic, I'll be the first to get into a heated discussion, but never in a disrespectful manner. I calm people down, and I know how to manipulate them into understanding each other when they dont want to. I have a certain sophistication that I've pushed on myself, I pretend I know what to do in a situation, and fake an air of indifference towards conflict. I have no grace or natural poise, my ability to be strong and stand up for myself is just dead in the water, and well, I never did discover those super powers she seemed to have. Flying and telepathy just never seemed to materialize themselves in me, sadly.
I say I am tired of my life. I lied. I love my life. I love being in college, I love living here, I love this place and this experience and my professors are amazing.
What I hate is the things that I cant control. I hate how there is, and always will be, the cynical spark in me that screams of losing the one thing that really truely would be my death: I just passed my second anniversary with Ryan. To lose him would be to sentance me to death. That voice has shut up since Ive trusted him more. We're fine. I wish he'd propose to me. I really do. I love him with such a strong feeling, I wish I could just scream from the top of the world that I am his, and he is mine. I will marry him someday, I dont doubt....I just wish I could take the next step.
I saw V for Vendetta tonight. It made me think a lot. I loved it. But Im tired, and sick, and I just feel like curling up and sleeping. and so, after a much more pleasant little dip into who I am, Im going to sleep now.
I love you guys. <3
- Sonia.